Motherhood.

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I don’t claim to know much on the subject other than I love it. The care of little ones is second nature to me. It’s the hardest job I can imagine but also the most rewarding.

I debated a lot on whether or not to share the story of why this day is significant for me. Ultimately I’ve determined through the kind words I’ve received over the last two years and especially today that it’s comforting to know so many people are living with the same pain in one way or another. Although our stories are all very different I hope some will find comfort in what I’ve been through and the journey I’m on. So this is for all the mommas who know the pain of something missing.

Two years and a week ago today I went to a small clinic in Homer AK after learning of my (ex)husbands extramarital affair(s). Expecting a much different visit only a short time into my appointment the therapist came back to the office to announce I was 4 weeks pregnant. I’ve never in my life experienced the tear of emotion I felt in that moment. I had wanted desperately to be pregnant again but due to timing with our trip to Alaska I thought it would be best to wait. Needless to say it was the best and most difficult surprise. I knew without a doubt it was a girl from that very first moment I touched my belly. It felt so totally different than the predictable symptoms I had with both boys. Just days before while gathering supplies we needed at a local thrift store I spotted these tiny salt water sandals. Almost embarrassed I snuck them to the cash register then quickly to my purse once they were purchased. I had been caring them around since. Two days later I packed our summer belongings and was headed to the airport for the long journey home with the boys who were just one and three years old. Four airports, and twenty-one hours later I was swooped up by friends. I spent the whole next day in the ER and was sent home without knowing for sure. Three days later exactly one week from the news it was confirmed. My levels were too low to be carrying life.

Life continues in the pain as we navigate our way through the process of grieving. Constantly reminding ourselves of our blessings not to minimize the loss but to put in perspective everything we’ve been given.

18 thoughts on “Motherhood.

  1. My dear Bekah! I have no doubt little feet will one day fill those tiny salt water sandals! [sigh] In the meantime, please take care of yourself and those two beautiful boys! Hugs, hugs, hugs!

  2. I had the same situation happen to me. I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and lo and behold was 8 weeks pregnant. It was beyond shocking to my husband and I as our other two were 4 and 12 years old and we had no plans for more children.
    Just when I had my brain wrapped around the fact that we would be parents again, I lost that baby. Sometimes I wonder whether it was a boy or girl. (I think boy) Sometimes I count the years and think of the milemarkers we would have been through by now. It will always be there in the back of my mind, surfacing at odd moments now and again.
    Sending warm thoughts your way. xo

  3. You are an inspiration sweet Bek. Your vulnerability is something to be admired. The Lord is so faithful to renew & restore. I’m so thankful He has you. You’re beautiful. I love you.

  4. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are an inspiration. I lack the words (as well as the experience) and I will not say that I know what you’re feeling, because I don’t, I just want you to know that you are amazing. I wish I knew you personally, but right now, all I can say is thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your life. It’s much appreciated, you have no idea.

  5. One of the hardest things I have every dealt with myself, and the most alone I have every felt. My two year time stamp is coming up also–and even with life & happiness inside of me it isn’t easy to forget that person. So wanted and so loved. My heart is with you friend.

  6. so sorry for the loss of your marriage, and for the loss of your little baby. Thanks for being brave and sharing more of your story.

  7. Hi Bekah,
    I’ve been meaning to write to you. You’ve probably noticed that someone from Malawi has been visiting your blog! It’s a very beautiful blog. I love reading it because you have what a part of me really craves: a place to call your own. I’ve moved around so much in my life and never settled anywhere for long. I hope you don’t mind that I added you to my blogroll. Yours is one of the few blogs I’ve come across that I think is really worth sharing.
    All the best,
    Magdalena from Migratory Habits

  8. You beautifully captured the love and pain of loss here, Bekah. I can honestly say that when I lost my boy I never expected this blessing of a support system I’ve never met, but I’m so grateful for it.

  9. This post/story/moment/experience touched my heart with it’s raw sweet vulnerability. There is SO much beauty in telling this and SO much beauty in you.

  10. I know that pain too. I was 10 weeks, knew for a week or so before I lost the baby. I was surprised at how much it affected me, so deeply. I’m still waiting to have another. Makes it a little bit harder. The human experience ay. Thanks so much for sharing, it does make you feel less alone.

  11. I’m really sorry about your lost. Last year I found out that I was expecting a baby for the first time. Nine weeks later during my second check up I noticed that the heartbeat was gone. I was in devastated …all the hopes and dreams seem to disappear into thin air. Now I find myself in a crossroad trying to decide if I want to try again. The fear of having another lost is holding me back …I wish I was in my late 20’s not 30’s.

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