I don’t claim to know much on the subject other than I love it. The care of little ones is second nature to me. It’s the hardest job I can imagine but also the most rewarding.
I debated a lot on whether or not to share the story of why this day is significant for me. Ultimately I’ve determined through the kind words I’ve received over the last two years and especially today that it’s comforting to know so many people are living with the same pain in one way or another. Although our stories are all very different I hope some will find comfort in what I’ve been through and the journey I’m on. So this is for all the mommas who know the pain of something missing.
Two years and a week ago today I went to a small clinic in Homer AK after learning of my (ex)husbands extramarital affair(s). Expecting a much different visit only a short time into my appointment the therapist came back to the office to announce I was 4 weeks pregnant. I’ve never in my life experienced the tear of emotion I felt in that moment. I had wanted desperately to be pregnant again but due to timing with our trip to Alaska I thought it would be best to wait. Needless to say it was the best and most difficult surprise. I knew without a doubt it was a girl from that very first moment I touched my belly. It felt so totally different than the predictable symptoms I had with both boys. Just days before while gathering supplies we needed at a local thrift store I spotted these tiny salt water sandals. Almost embarrassed I snuck them to the cash register then quickly to my purse once they were purchased. I had been caring them around since. Two days later I packed our summer belongings and was headed to the airport for the long journey home with the boys who were just one and three years old. Four airports, and twenty-one hours later I was swooped up by friends. I spent the whole next day in the ER and was sent home without knowing for sure. Three days later exactly one week from the news it was confirmed. My levels were too low to be carrying life.
Life continues in the pain as we navigate our way through the process of grieving. Constantly reminding ourselves of our blessings not to minimize the loss but to put in perspective everything we’ve been given.