5/24

                

Yesterday a close friend told me she lost her baby this week. My heart ached and tears poured. I’d like to say I handled today like I did my last hard anniversary but for me the loss of my baby has never gotten easier. 

Four years ago I remember like it was yesterday laying in the hospital while an insensitive nurse delivered the news. I remember thinking “you don’t understand” or maybe not every woman is affected like I am. 

The words keep going through my head “you’re missing from me little one”. Hard to even dream about having a two year old in my life right now. But then I sit back and have to thank God for the two beautiful boys I have and pray He teaches me to love them better every day. 

I think about moms all over the world. The ones who watch their children taken into slavery knowing their fate, the ones who can’t afford to feed their babies, the ones with incredible supportive husbands who can’t conceive and want nothing more, the ones who effortlessly have one after another but are too tired to enjoy it or the victims of rape who have to make a hard decision based on trauma. This world can seem so cruel and often is, there’s no cure, there’s no formula to protect yourself from pain. 

There are people who go through their life somewhat fortunate to never be greeted by such tragedies but while appealing I would never wish for such a life. It’s in pain and heartache I’ve learned compassion and in my faults I’ve learned humility. This life isn’t fair and never will be but it is what we make it in how we respond to what life gives. Isn’t that beautiful? We’re not victims to life it’s our choice even when circumstances seem far out of our control. 

Looking around seeing the beauty. 

Our newest addition. Angora goats, Aslan and Aspen. 

Morning poragae on the sun porch with this sweet one. 

Hot days of yard work. 

Tristan bent on learning and getting the “squeaks” out. 

The adorable face that relentlessly digs holes in my yard and kills all my bushes. 

My preschool graduate.

Tristan the goat whisperer. He begs me every day to keep these kids! 

Practicing walking the line after a water balloon fight. 

Summer is off to a good start here. Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend!  

7 thoughts on “5/24

      1. Have no fear!! You may hand/blade shear your Angora goats (a stanchion helps) twice per year. Very very do-able; usually every Fall and Spring. I’m sure you have friends that will love to help! So good for your boys too!! Spinning is so meditative (like milking). Best wishes!! I had a Pygora, Brutus, but, he was disbudded (can’t show horned goats in 4-H). After the first year or so, his fleece was always matted (I cried) since he had no horns to regulate his body temp! I now purchase my Angora/mohair from a local farmHer! LOVE those Angoras!! ;P

  1. Bekah, I never comment but I often visit to see what’s up. So many ways I connect with what you’ve written — I just don’t think there is a way to share. You just keep doing what you do and being who you are. And raising your boys like you do and sharing your struggles and pain. You’re real and honest and that matters.

    1. Gosh thank you. it’s a daily struggle not to run from all social media but i believe it… we need the honest, raw, always changing and growing. it’s healing to know we’re not alone in our pain and heartache. so appreciate the reminder.

  2. Sometimes it seems that people who comment just want to kick you in the butt and encourage you to write sequels soon as Chips ends, because there is no more what to read … partly maybe they are right – write faster 🙂
    Every time I visit your goats, I still hope to find something new and I want to take some buckets thoughts for the whole day… and you would not believe – I find every time. After all, the most important is to have your goals as a huge Grizzly, which must be riddled deer. Well, you do not need a lot of deer, but the deer eat lichens, and they need a lot. Lichens grow slowly … But when you look from the other side and think as needed lichens feed Grizzly, you realize that every little detail is very important for high end.
    …and if sometimes fail, do not drop our guard, because after a little better to do something than to be a stone on which the lichens and grow …

  3. This is the first time I’m reading your blog. Stumbled across it while on night shift on a maternity unit in a Minneapolis hospital, laying plans for a cross country motorcycle trip with a new friend. But on this date, my son would have been two. Babylost is the most private and mournful identity I have, but I wouldn’t trade those lessons. I needed your words today.

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